Since i was young, I’ve always been creative. My mind was constantly moving, my hands always needed to do something. Anything that would allow me to express myself made me feel amazing. From studios to sketch pads, it just came natural. For so long I’ve thought about blogging. Meeting people and opening the doors to my soul. Today, i finally decided to stop procrastinating. Welcome to my blogging journey.
When you hold on to things that you should let go of, you punish yourself. You believe you want it so badly, that you overlook the fact that it’s never been a necessity. You forget that BEFORE this very moment, YOU were without this one thing that your heart now desires.
That, BEFORE you gave your time, energy and affection. YOU never even knew that this existed. That this thing is merely something you’ve breathed life into over and over again and if you simply held your breath just long enough, it would vanish. Over time we breathe life into things and we keep these things on life support, until we can no longer afford to suffer.
BEFORE we pull the plug, we ponder, we strategize, and we settle. Because even with the support being given, that thing that we so desire is still here. Still in reach and we have convinced ourselves that we’re helping this thing survive. When in reality the best thing to do is pull the plug. Because BEFORE this, they were breathing just fine on their own.
Maybe it’s just me, but do you ever feel like people only hear you once you yell? Curse? Or cry? Like when you’re calm, prepared and focused during what should be a much needed discussion. To them you’re suddenly Charlie Brown’s teacher. Like what the hell is that about? You’ve mentally prepared yourself for any questions they may have, any dates, pictures and text and yet for some odd reason. The planned discussion is literally just you reciting the speech you prepared with your friends through text 4 hours before. And yet they hear ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, but let a WTF? SHIT! FUCK THIS! slip out and ATTEEEEENTTTTIONNNNN! All eyes are front and suddenly ever word that left your tongue was heard except the ones that mattered. And the once calm adult conversation you were trying to have is merely a pointless argument that started at WTF….. Maybe it’s just me.
Stop overthinking. Stop worrying. Stop being angry. Stop crying. That shit is so depressing, yet you’re not the motherfucker dealing with it. How about YOU STOP and think why I am the way I am. How about YOU STOP and understand how difficult it is to be unsure every day and constantly questioning the decisions you’ve made. Try for once to switch places, sit down and reflect. Imagine giving your girl loyalty and in return she gave you disrespect. Imagine tending to your home and she’s entertaining men. Imagine fighting all her exes, just for her to fuck them all again. Imagine being happy until her phone lights up and she laughs. Imagine laying in bed next to her and yet feeling so far away. Imagine feeling envy everytime there’s another guy conversing with her and not because you’re jealous but because you can’t tell if it’s innocent convo or attention seeking. Fucked up right? That’s me. Every fucking second fighting myself, fighting my insecurity and fighting reality. So next time you think to tell me to stop, YOU STOP, cause you have no fucking idea how fucked up it could possibly feel.
When I was younger Holidays were exciting solely because I had Christmas Break and tons of presents. Not to mention the thought of all the hot chocolate and snowball fights. As I got older I noticed how my excitement for Holidays faded. Not belief wise, but reality wise. Holidays for me as a child was based around seeing your favorite cousin and aunts. Dancing, opening gifts and seeing my mother light up when family from back home arrived. I guess the reality of Holidays have became bittersweet for me, since so many people that made those days special have passed away. Of course I attempt to make the most out of it but it’s just not the same. I don’t ask for gifts, I ask for time. Time with those who I love, time to enjoy each other’s presence before that becomes merely a memory. Dear santa, for Christmas I would love that.
You’re fucking amazing
And you’re so afraid to admit it
You’re strong, you’re beautiful
And so fucking brilliant
You’re everything a man needs
And you’re so afraid to admit it
You’re passionate, you’re loving
And loyal beyond your limits
It became so easy to react, so easy to become angered, so easy to lose who I was.
It became so easy to forgive, so easy to fake it, so easy to overlook where I fucked up.
It became so easy to cover up, so easy to look away, so easy to pretend I was fine.
It became so easy for you, yet so fucking hard for me, I think I’ve lost my mind.
It’s good for you, yet bad for me?
You can, but I can’t?
You’re right, I’m wrong?
How dare me?
NO, HOW DARE YOU!
How dare you place blame
How dare you lie
How dare you play victim
How dare you pretend I’m wrong
How dare you!
For ever giving me a reason to question
If I was ever wrong.
When you were wrong all along
And for that…
I’ve smiled when I’ve been nervous
I’ve smiled when I’ve been sad
I’ve smiled when I’ve been worried
I’ve smiled when I’ve been angry
I’ve smiled when I’ve been scared
My smile, became a mask for how I’ve really felt. I’ve been too afraid to show weakness, after having to be strong for so long. That I smiled just to fake how unhappy I truly was.
OBEY YOUR PARENTS!! Growing up you hear this quite often. At least I did. As children you’re unaware that you’re driving your parents insane. Because they love you so much. By your teenager years you become more aware. You tend to get agitated by the constant demands and rules. Some rebel, some runaway and some just suck it up. It happens to all of us. You guys will have a love/hate relationship. Then you’ll graduate and life hits you full speed ahead. No warning, no ease. You start to see those things your parents mentioned. The fake friends, the BILLS, time management and stress. You start to notice that your parents weren’t nagging just cause, they were trying to prepare you for the world. You begin to understand the reasons they whipped you into shape or tried. As much as you hated the rules and curfew, your parents were trying their best to send their child into the world, fully equipped because they knew that it wasn’t friendly. You took everything they instilled in you and multipled that. Making the best out of every crazy situation, and your parents were still there rooting for your success. Because in the end even if they couldn’t give you the world, they gave you something more important unconditional love. CHERISH YOUR PARENTS!! without them, you wouldn’t be who you are today.
What the hell happened to Commitment? Loyalty? Honesty? Compromising? Forever? These are all the things I ask myself AFTER having my heart broken. Not before, because everything always seems good. Silly, right? But for some hopeless romantic ass reason, I have this crazy assumption that people have the same heart and mind as I do. Meaning that because I love them, and I’m committed and faithful, that means they’re doing that as well. NEWSFLASH, THEY DON’T! So words of advice: MIND OVER MATTER. Yes, you can love them to a million pieces BUT learn to listen to your mind moreso than letting your heart lead. I say this because often in relationships, when you love someone you take the “good” over the bad. No matter how small the “good” we latch onto that, which becomes our hope in the relationship. Our mind says, RED FLAG, ABORT MISSION. Our heart says, HANDLE WITH CARE, FORGIVE THEM. We try and try until we end up heartbroken and alone, and finally we hear our mind say: I TOLD YOU SO. So to all of my hopeless romantics it’s okay to love, just be smart about it.