Since i was young, I’ve always been creative. My mind was constantly moving, my hands always needed to do something. Anything that would allow me to express myself made me feel amazing. From studios to sketch pads, it just came natural. For so long I’ve thought about blogging. Meeting people and opening the doors to my soul. Today, i finally decided to stop procrastinating. Welcome to my blogging journey.
Stop overthinking. Stop worrying. Stop being angry. Stop crying. That shit is so depressing, yet you’re not the motherfucker dealing with it. How about YOU STOP and think why I am the way I am. How about YOU STOP and understand how difficult it is to be unsure every day and constantly questioning the decisions you’ve made. Try for once to switch places, sit down and reflect. Imagine giving your girl loyalty and in return she gave you disrespect. Imagine tending to your home and she’s entertaining men. Imagine fighting all her exes, just for her to fuck them all again. Imagine being happy until her phone lights up and she laughs. Imagine laying in bed next to her and yet feeling so far away. Imagine feeling envy everytime there’s another guy conversing with her and not because you’re jealous but because you can’t tell if it’s innocent convo or attention seeking. Fucked up right? That’s me. Every fucking second fighting myself, fighting my insecurity and fighting reality. So next time you think to tell me to stop, YOU STOP, cause you have no fucking idea how fucked up it could possibly feel.
When I was younger Holidays were exciting solely because I had Christmas Break and tons of presents. Not to mention the thought of all the hot chocolate and snowball fights. As I got older I noticed how my excitement for Holidays faded. Not belief wise, but reality wise. Holidays for me as a child was based around seeing your favorite cousin and aunts. Dancing, opening gifts and seeing my mother light up when family from back home arrived. I guess the reality of Holidays have became bittersweet for me, since so many people that made those days special have passed away. Of course I attempt to make the most out of it but it’s just not the same. I don’t ask for gifts, I ask for time. Time with those who I love, time to enjoy each other’s presence before that becomes merely a memory. Dear santa, for Christmas I would love that.
You’re fucking amazing
And you’re so afraid to admit it
You’re strong, you’re beautiful
And so fucking brilliant
You’re everything a man needs
And you’re so afraid to admit it
You’re passionate, you’re loving
And loyal beyond your limits
It became so easy to react, so easy to become angered, so easy to lose who I was.
It became so easy to forgive, so easy to fake it, so easy to overlook where I fucked up.
It became so easy to cover up, so easy to look away, so easy to pretend I was fine.
It became so easy for you, yet so fucking hard for me, I think I’ve lost my mind.
It’s good for you, yet bad for me?
You can, but I can’t?
You’re right, I’m wrong?
How dare me?
NO, HOW DARE YOU!
How dare you place blame
How dare you lie
How dare you play victim
How dare you pretend I’m wrong
How dare you!
For ever giving me a reason to question
If I was ever wrong.
When you were wrong all along
And for that…
I’ve smiled when I’ve been nervous
I’ve smiled when I’ve been sad
I’ve smiled when I’ve been worried
I’ve smiled when I’ve been angry
I’ve smiled when I’ve been scared
My smile, became a mask for how I’ve really felt. I’ve been too afraid to show weakness, after having to be strong for so long. That I smiled just to fake how unhappy I truly was.
OBEY YOUR PARENTS!! Growing up you hear this quite often. At least I did. As children you’re unaware that you’re driving your parents insane. Because they love you so much. By your teenager years you become more aware. You tend to get agitated by the constant demands and rules. Some rebel, some runaway and some just suck it up. It happens to all of us. You guys will have a love/hate relationship. Then you’ll graduate and life hits you full speed ahead. No warning, no ease. You start to see those things your parents mentioned. The fake friends, the BILLS, time management and stress. You start to notice that your parents weren’t nagging just cause, they were trying to prepare you for the world. You begin to understand the reasons they whipped you into shape or tried. As much as you hated the rules and curfew, your parents were trying their best to send their child into the world, fully equipped because they knew that it wasn’t friendly. You took everything they instilled in you and multipled that. Making the best out of every crazy situation, and your parents were still there rooting for your success. Because in the end even if they couldn’t give you the world, they gave you something more important unconditional love. CHERISH YOUR PARENTS!! without them, you wouldn’t be who you are today.
What the hell happened to Commitment? Loyalty? Honesty? Compromising? Forever? These are all the things I ask myself AFTER having my heart broken. Not before, because everything always seems good. Silly, right? But for some hopeless romantic ass reason, I have this crazy assumption that people have the same heart and mind as I do. Meaning that because I love them, and I’m committed and faithful, that means they’re doing that as well. NEWSFLASH, THEY DON’T! So words of advice: MIND OVER MATTER. Yes, you can love them to a million pieces BUT learn to listen to your mind moreso than letting your heart lead. I say this because often in relationships, when you love someone you take the “good” over the bad. No matter how small the “good” we latch onto that, which becomes our hope in the relationship. Our mind says, RED FLAG, ABORT MISSION. Our heart says, HANDLE WITH CARE, FORGIVE THEM. We try and try until we end up heartbroken and alone, and finally we hear our mind say: I TOLD YOU SO. So to all of my hopeless romantics it’s okay to love, just be smart about it.
Growing up I use to watch my mother grab the bible when upset and go to her room. For hours she’d read aloud, she would play gospel music and finally return back into the front room as if nothing ever happened. I use think that it was her way of escaping, but I soon realized it was her being at peace with God. No matter how much bickering, no matter how much noise, she’d pray and pray, casted out and rebuke. She would seem at ease, no matter how upset her partner was or how disrespectful. The only one who had control over her was God. I remember telling her that some of the things she had been subjected too wasn’t ok and she would smile and say “God got me, you can’t hurt one of His children.” Her strength, her faith, her belief in Him, was so amazing. I can only hope to be as strong as she was. Somedays I allow the devil to convince me that reaction is the best route. When i should just trust that God has me throughout everything I endure. I’ve let my emotions get the best of me, I’ve let others control my heart when my faith should be with Him. I’m human and I have faults, I sin and I’m not perfect. But I know throughout everything I have ever been through, He will and has always been right there with me.
Excuse my language but FUCK YOU!
and by YOU, I mean anyone who ever made me question myself. By YOU, I mean anyone who took advantage of my loyalty. By YOU, I mean anyone who ever brought me insecurity. By YOU, I mean anyone whose ever said they love me and fucked me over. By YOU, I mean anyone who took my smile away. By YOU, I mean anyone who didn’t realize my worth. YOU, caused me so much pain, so much grief, so much heartache. But YOU made me realize exactly who I was and that was someone too good for YOU. So from the bottom of my heart, thank YOU.